One elder, One ministerial servant, One CSA victim, four disfellowshippings, and bullying from the Kingdom Hall podium. Read about it here.
Part One
This all happened in another congregation I went to when I was 14 years old. I am thinking about it now because some of what has happened and their consequences have come full circle. I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time, as the guilty parties are still members in good standing as Jehovah’s Witnesses. In contrast, their victims are now both disfellowshipped and discredited.
I was completely burnt out that year both at school and at the Kingdom Hall. I barely made it through finals and was talking to myself out loud. It was getting to my head and one of my teachers was the one to first notice this strange behavior of mine. Things were even worse at the Kingdom Hall. I found myself visiting the bathroom frequently and just sitting there, quietly sobbing into my hands while on the toilet. (This is a common occurance as I have found out when speaking to more women who have exited the JWs). More than a few times my mother was dispatched to get me but I wouldn’t budge.
Things came to a head one night after the meeting. My father had enough of what he had considered my “bad behavior” and started screaming at me as soon as we got home. I wasn’t listening to him at all. I was so tuned out and had a blank look on my face. When he was finished and asked if I had anything to say, I just looked at him. That earned me a slap in the face and an admonishment to go to my room and stay there. In spite of the slap, this was fully acceptable to me. I did not want to talk nor did I want his abuse. I wished I could have gone under the covers forever.
I was catatonic, nor did I really care about anything at the time. I laid there in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t know what was happening to me, only that I didn’t want to be there anymore at my home and on this marathon of “spiritual” activities. As soon as school was done (I had barely achieved passing grades) I went into my room and shut the door. I would sleep for 12 hour periods. My mother eventually talked my father into sending me for the summer to my uncle and auntie in another state. I didn’t know too many on my father’s side, but I had a friend there in my female cousin who was the same age. I immediately agreed and I was driven halfway there and picked up.
My mood immediately improved. I just really needed out of my home and surroundings. Also on my mind was the fact that these relatives weren’t as strict of JWs as my family was. They would miss meetings and field service and allow their children to do things we weren’t allowed to do. I caught up on all the movies I was dying to watch with my cousin probably within the week. It was pure heaven and they had reported back my change in mood. Probably didn’t dawn on my parents what the reason was. Didn’t register with me either that the further I got away from the religion the more sane I found myself.
I was introduced to this JW family from the hall. They were well off and had a nice swimming pool in their backyard. We got along well and their two daughters were close to my age. It was at their home that I became acquainted with a young elder in his early 20s. He was a socially awkward person and always made jokes only he thought were funny. He brought his Playstation which was just released along with tons of games. He had all the forbidden ones like Call of Duty and other similar games, so we all gathered around to play. I did notice something but didn’t think too much of it at the time. I should have. I think I was so checked out and just coming back to life again that I refused to believe anything bad about my new friends.
Before I say what I noticed, let me give a bit of a background on this particular elder. Though he was in his early 20s, he was (I guess you would call it “pre-dating”, or what I know it now as grooming) a sister who was 16 or 17. He had pursued her romantically since she was 15. No one thought anything was amiss, since he claimed he was waiting for her to reach maturity. Or something like that. It’s really how it works for connected brothers in the Kingdom Hall. I found out later that his brother had been accused of inappropriate touching by a 13 year old troubled girl from a broken family. Her story was immediately discounted due to emotional problems, and when she left and found work at a strip club later, her and her account had lost all credibility in the Kingdom Hall.
This brings me to what I noticed that night at our friend’s home. After playing a few missions on Call of Duty, this young elder excused himself to let others play. What I did notice was that this family’s youngest daughter who was 15 at the time had also followed him to another part of the home. They were gone for what was probably 30 minutes. It also should be noted that his unofficial “girlfriend” was also present. I did remember asking someone else who was there regarding where they were, and the story was that he was helping her with her algebra homework.
That’s really all I have to tell you about that night. I know, a big pile of nothing, right? Roughly 5 years ago I had heard that this elder had gotten disfellowshipped. My parents were tight lipped about it. But my remembrances of that night and this man’s reputation had intrigued me. I texted and later called my cousin. She was the right person to call. He was disfellowshipped for inappropriate makeout and touching sessions with this 15 year old girl, which had extended into the period of time when he was married. This brave young woman had the courage to call this man out whom she knew was a predator. He was disfellowshipped, so who was the second witness? It was her older sister who confirmed these details. My thoughts raced back to that night and it disgusted me that I was present and having a pleasant association with this man while he had been molesting a girl I thought of as a friend in her bedroom while we all played video games.
Again, the Kingdom Hall biases came bubbling up and as expected, they were designed to defend this fallen elder. You see, the accuser behind all this got disfellowshipped herself shortly after this elder for an unrelated issue. She had a worldly boyfriend and they were living together. You can see where this is going. Even though her sister (still a JW to this day) had confirmed this CSA to the elders, the fact that the accuser was now disfellowhipped was proof enough for many in the congregation to believe it was a setup to get him DFed and removed as an elder. Depending on who you spoke to in the congregation (especially this elder’s wife’s family and their circle), the disfellowhipping was not real and was only a result of “her lies”.
True to form, he was reinstated after a relatively short period of being ousted from the congregation. The few who still did take issue with this elder and the relatively short period it took for his reinstatement reminded those that he would not be appointed as an elder again as if this were punishment enough for participating in CSA and grooming a child. It was obvious to me that he was a pedophile, as his relationship with his future wife and another girl were adequate proof of. But he was made an elder and even after the second witness testified, his downfall was looked upon as more of a temporary punishment for something that was fabricated. His sin was neatly wiped away and covered up when in reality the police should have been called in every other circumstance. But not with Jehovah’s Witnesses!
As something of an epilogue, the last I heard (this was over a year ago) he was again disfellowshipped for matters of a sexual nature. This time it wasn’t CSA – it was an affair he fully confessed to after being caught by his wife. It was with someone he went to high school with. His wife has forgiven him and they are working towards reconciliation and reinstatement.
But…but… ! He won’t be an elder again! Might not want to let your kids around him though. As long as he’s not an elder though. What a price to pay!
He married the right woman though. The ones who look the other way. She was at that gathering and probably many more where her boyfriend/husband went off into an underage girl’s room alone for some “algebra tutoring”. Unforgivable. Complicit. She is just as guilty as he is.
Part Two
During the same summer at this Kingdom Hall, I had been acquainted with others in the congregation. Though this story is unrelated to the one in Part One, it does involve the brother-in-law of the disfellowshipped elder. Their mother’s home was central to the JW social scene as she was divorced and did not go to bed until 4 AM or thereabouts. Their claim to fame was talking shit about everyone who wasn’t currently present. I know because I later found out from others that the way I spoke was mocked and made to sound more southern than it really was. It would go on all night. Their mother didn’t believe in video games or television, so that’s really all her children knew how to do to keep themselves entertained.
There were two brothers who were often the targets of their mockery. It got way out of control at times. They were poorer and lived in a smaller nearby town. They didn’t have all the nice clothes and new cars like the others did. The older brother especially took after his father and was a bit heavy set. So you can guess what kinds of jokes were made and frankly, they got old really quickly. I was like, “that’s all you have to say about them? They are brothers in the hall if you forgot.” That earned me a few stares and a reputation as a zealous JW girl, but whatever, I didn’t mind. These people were assholes.
One of the brothers in this family was a ministerial servant. The oldest sister was married to the pedophile elder in Part One. This guy had a name for everyone. I was called the Dixie Stick due to my figure at that age (14) and where I was from. (Also a play on the “Dixie Chicks” if you don’t follow country music). There was a mean-spirited and blatantly racist nickname he bestowed upon the heavy set kid from the other town. Though it was before my time, there was a Tarzan Disney movie where an ape was named Kerchek and was the gorilla step-father. Yes, he called this brother Kerchek because he wanted everyone to know that he thought he looked like an ape. Not only because of his body type, but because he was African American.
One of this dickhead MS’s running jokes was done from the platform at the Kingdom Hall. He was in charge of the sound system, so it wasn’t uncommon for him to go up to the platform and adjust the mics and run sound checks. So he would repeat from the platform “Kerchek… Kerchek… Kerchek”. Which was muffled to sound like “Code Check”, giving him a sense of deniability should others wonder what he was saying. The fact that he was giggling while he was doing it didn’t raise any eyebrows. He was always like that.
Though this isn’t directly related to Part One, there is a common theme to all this. The pedophile elder and his supporters felt somewhat vindicated from what they deemed as “false stories” (as Stephen Lett would put it) because the accuser was disfellowshipped. The same happened in this case. Ridiculed by most and driven to the very fringes of JW social life, this (imo) kind, humble and generous brother was disfellowhipped himself shortly after.
What bothered me then and still bothers me now was that the brother who used such racist and otherwise horrific slurs was and still remains with privileges in “Jehovah’s Organization”. Nothing was ever done or said to him. Even the complaints of his victim’s mother went unheeded and she was advised to let it go and focus on bringing her son back to Jehovah. Nevermind that he was stumbled by one of the appointed men in the congregation which led him to seek friendships outside the Kingdom Hall, that in turn led to his exit from the organization.
That summer in many ways contributed to my eventual exit from the religion. Now that I think about it, it did not escape my notice how both of these men’s behavior was not only tolerated but enabled by their families and allies in the congregation. I ended up marrying an abusive elder’s son and ministerial servant who I can count on one hand how many times he punched me in the face. This organization is stocked full of such men, and as long as they have the right connections and allies, their abuses are either mildly reprimanded or ignored and covered up altogether. My estranged husband belongs to the latter.
It’s all so very sad to read of all the pain women have been put through in the Jehovah’s Witness religion. I have been in touch with other abuse survivors and the story is always nearly identical: The organization comes first. Don’t make waves, see if you can forgive him. You don’t want this coming back upon Jehovah’s name, do you? They are the ones who have tarnished “Jehovah’s name”, not us!
This is gaslighting in its cruelest form.
Love, Madison.
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