The Dog Days of Divorce (Yes, it was filed!)

It’s another day on the farm.  My divorce was filed over a week ago after the final retainer payment was made.  I was reliably informed that service on my JW husband was successful.  Not a peep from him as he has ceased his testing and attempts to get my attention.  This was probably at the direction of his attorney no doubt.  Whatever, I’ll take it.

So, now that it is real and the case has been filed in the legal system, my friends and family have gathered behind me in a gesture of support.  Forget it, we’re Jehovah’s Witnesses after all.  He’s the one still going to the Kingdom Hall and I am not.  So why not some good witnessing on a strayed member of the flock? 

The patterns of abuse were in the filing.  I’ve offered to share these docs or give my own rundown with results ranging from feigned interest to disinterest.  In other words, it’s more about me coming back to the meetings and resuming field service than addressing the fact that I was abused!  Besides his family, there have been no serious attempts to reconcile us.  I think they know that is a redline for me. 

Already there are murmurings about what happened, so I am told by my only true friend who is PIMO.  I thought it was time to turn the tables of gossip on them for a change, so through her his abuse has been also a subject for the gossip circuit.  Not that I am expecting much sympathy in that regard, nor do I really care what a grouping of Jehovah’s Witnesses has decided about who is at fault in my marriage.  Nor do I think this blog has gotten out at all, otherwise I’d have elders at my door.

Speaking of which, I did get an offer of a shepherding call, which I declined.  I work two jobs and take care of two young children, so unless they have his child support check on them, I’ll pass.  My parents have also chimed in, carefully suggesting that I might move back in until this process is finished.  Ha!  They’ll do anything to get me back into the Kingdom Hall and I can see the announcement every night that they are getting ready and so should I.  No thanks.

That’s what is happening on the outside.  Internally things are much more complicated.  Though this divorce was initiated by me, I still am saddened by it.  I’d be lying to you if I told you my marriage was non-stop hell.  There were good times which faded into the background the more our marriage went on.  He was kind to me at times and I certainly benefited from his er I mean his father’s generosities.  I’ve been to Mexico, Central America, the Caribbean, and even choice places in Europe such as France, Britain, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and Greece.  We also had a nice Alaskan cruise after the birth of our second child.  These times I will always remember and he was on his better behavior.  When we got back home and into the routine was when he’d turn back into the monster.  It’s just all too sad though, and I am especially concerned for my girls and the fact this will be a broken home. 

Life has hit me like a ton of bricks.  Not that I am complaining much out loud since at some point we all have to face the facts and so a little “weeding” in our personal lives.  So I think I’ll complain here.  It’s tough being a single mom.  I am singularly responsible for the two lives that I brought into this world.  Their father plays more of a rich uncle with gifts role.  So… it’s on me.  I have to get my school aged daughter up and ready for school, and the other ready for day care when I take off for my job.  Their problems are my problems and I am eager to make their lives less difficult.  It just takes a lot out of a person. 

My oldest the other day asked about her father for the first time in awhile.  She’s always been closer to me and I think has seen how he can erupt and be mean to everyone because he had a bad day.  I already was in a shit mood and about to just unleash on him, but something inside stopped me.  She doesn’t need to hear this.  Not from me.  Let her come to her own conclusions about him.  I’ll bring the information to her.  I should be specific.  She asked if her father would get married again.  Oh, this was a good one since I likely already know the answer.  I told her that I had my own theories, but she’d be a better source as she could ask him if she were that curious. 

And what do you know?  She asked him last weekend!  I knew something was amiss as she went straight to her room after she got back from her weekend visit.  She usually comes to me and relates everything she did there.  They were mostly positive, but some things that are very typical of this man, such as him pawning them off on an auntie (his sister).  I went into her room and asked why she wasn’t out there with her sister.  She told me she was sad because her father did tell her that he would be moving on and getting married again.  What a surprise!  I guess his dreams of marrying his mistress might be closer to fruition, but what a thing to tell his daughter who still is in the initial stages of coping with a divorce!

Truth be told, I went on a handful of dates myself during these past few months, but nothing serious.  But I kept them ambiguous and called them my friends.  He’s just the right kind of asshole that will get married and force them to call her mommy – this is what I am afraid of.  Still, it’s upsetting to see this all implode right in front of their faces.  I’ll have to be the adult in all of this and keep things ambiguous.  I just can’t stand it when people drag their personal lives in front of their children, especially when I know part of it is to rub my face into it. 

Divorce has many victims, doesn’t it?  I wish it could just be over tomorrow and the judge pronounces us as not married anymore.  But this is a process, one that is not meant to be easy, both emotionally and financially.  We still haven’t gotten his response to the petition.  That will probably be a blog in of itself.  The reason I say this is because I have made no secret of his abuse and am using it as a precautionary tale of limiting his time with the girls and placing some sort of court ordered counseling in the final decree for the girls.  I don’t think he’ll take it the right way, but my attorney is experienced so I will rely on his judgment on these matters. 

We’re in the “dog days” of the divorce, without anything decided nor even close to being done so.  My only solace is knowing that I have put a stop to this abuse and am getting out.  It doesn’t mean I have to feel great about all of this.  It’s a mess, and one that I should have put an end to some time ago. 

Until next time.  Thanks for all the support I have been given.  You all know who you are.

Love, Madison.