May 17th 2023
In my last blog post, I touched upon a few issues with my estranged husband, whom I have dubbed "John". As expected, the pressure has increased on two fronts: Returning both to him and to the JW religion. As a little refresher for your convenience, I have been separated from John since October 2022 and have moved into my own apartment in January 2023. At this time, I also ceased attending meetings and going out in field service. John's father is a prominent and wealthy elder and has been working behind the scenes to get me to reunite with John and move back in. John is still seeing "Chloe", an irregular publisher in a neighboring congregation. He has stated that he wants me back and will work on some issues (but conveniently does not elaborate on what these issues may be) but for the most part I feel his main interest is in preserving his reputation both with his father and in the Kingdom Hall.
I must have finally made my impression upon John that this wasn't a fleeting feeling and that his dad cannot buy out my lease so I can move back in with him. As I opened my door for the girls as they returned from their parental visit with John, instead of his usual pleasantries and stray comments that he misses us and wishes we'd reunite as a family, this time John just followed them in. When I started speaking in protest to this intrusion, John brusquely brushed me off, calling me a nickname he knew I despised: Maddy. So, I followed him to the girl's room which he pretended to be interested in seeing. I'll try to reconstruct the conversation to the best of my memory:
"John you really..."
"Maddy, I think you know what you are doing to the girls. [***] told me a who was over here and no, it was not their father. You think I am stupid?"
This was in reference to a worldly co-worker who had come over with his girlfriend. Somehow that key bit of information was left out, and now he was trying to paint me as an adulterer. Just as he was and is.
"You have a lot of nerve to lecture me on that"
This is about all I can quote from this as I can only take so much of a dose of his gaslighting and narcissism. But what he said next just made my blood boil.
"Chloe? Please. You are just jealous that I have friends and maybe some other women might see what you are trying to give up. You are the one with issues Maddy. Not me. I am the one who earns the money here. What are you going to earn this year? You are dragging our children into poverty! I can't believe I have to be the one to ask you back. You should be begging!"
I had enough and told him I would be calling the police if he didn't leave immediately. After watching him put on a show for the girls that he was leaving and having to pick up the phone a couple of times about to call, he left without incident. It was all one of his mind games that he loved to play, and this time he wanted to directly involve the girls. Shortly after he left, I texted him that if he ever entered my home again, I would take out a protection order. Why shouldn't I take one out now? Good question.
John has always been one of those cocky and "elder in waiting" elder's son. Does he believe in the doctrines of Jehovah's Witnesses? That's a tricky question. Yes and no. Let's just say he's been more interested in moving up in the congregation than in field service. He has always gone through lengths to avoid it. There is nothing he loved more than being the star of the show at gatherings. He'd wear muscle shirts and chug down Gatorade as he bashed home run after home run off and celebrate like he was a star prospect on the Yankees. Maybe that's what attracted me to him, I'm afraid to say.
John's bravado followed us immediately into our marriage. What can I say? I was initially excited about it all. I was more than happy to be free of my parents and their BS. Now I was in a top JW family that was widely respected. I even had a last name to match my new status. "Sister [***] " carried with it a lot of weight. After a blissful honeymoon that frankly, this lower middle-class girl had never seen the like of before, we set ourselves up in a three-bedroom home that my father-in-law owned. To this day I'm not even sure we paid rent. It was all kept from me anyway. I had to do something more than being a housewife, so that meant regular pioneering. You see, when I get into something I don't do it half-assed. I really went head-on into this, and it became clear to me where my new husband stood on field service. I did what I felt I should have done by putting the pressure on him to go out in Saturday service with me. A few excuses that I knew as lame were given the first handful of times I asked him, but then I finally received it.
A slap across my face. He said something to the effect that he had his place in the congregation while I had my place. As I was throwing things hastily inside my bag to leave, I felt my husband's presence immediately behind me. I had been silently weeping and I think he caught onto it. He twirled me around to face him and smiled as he said something to the effect of how I should have liked that slap and how we should "play dirty" as he put it. Now as I type this a few years later, I understand this was his way of control. Manipulation. He knew he overstepped and was reigning me back in.
That night he did things to me sexually that I wasn't expecting nor was it welcome. Without going into details, let's just say it was so degrading and humiliating. I think you can tell where this is heading and what kind of sex John was into. I don't have many memories of this period of my life. I think I just blocked it out so much so that I can't remember. I do remember months later as I found out I was pregnant, I was relieved in that I would have an excuse for him to not be so rough with me.
So good night John. I've had enough of talking about you for one "therapy" session. I'll be sure to pick this up at another time.
Tomorrow for the first time I will meet with a lawyer and find out about my options.
Madison
Add comment
Comments