[Note: This won't have really anything to do with JWs or doctrine, it is just a personal story with observations]
I just got back from a much-needed trip to see a family member in New York. OK, I admit that it’s primarily a reason for my and the girls to take off for a week and receive hospitality. She knew and was perfectly fine with it. We’ll see her again.
Something is on my mind, and if you know me well enough, I just throw it out there like I was serving dinner. The subject matter is enough for many of you to bite, so that’s why I included it in the title. First let’s establish some ground rules if you will. This isn’t for some men’s fantasy, nor will it include explicit content or commentary too personal in nature. But some of it will contain personal experiences. I’ll keep it all PG-13 I think.
For those who aren’t willing to go back and read all my blogs (understandable!) I’ll lay down a summary of my current situation. I am divorcing my JW husband (filed in April of this year!). I moved out of my JW parent’s home in January and haven’t gone to a meeting since and have no plans to. You could call me a PIMO, or you can call me someone who is playing the long fade game. I am still a JW in good association, though lapsed, and for my own reasons I have no desire to officially separate at this time. My plate is already full with regards to the divorce and the last thing I need are elders summoning me to a JC. My estranged husband was and is a serial adulterer and supposedly is going through his own meetings with the elders to sort out whatever there is to sort out. I don’t really care.
Let’s see, the last time I was even with my ex in that way was probably the summer of 2022. Going to say … August? I left for my parents' home in October of that year. To say that he was sexually charged is an understatement, but this is certainly no judgment upon my own self. For those still living in the last century, women have needs to and they do include those of sexuality. If I ask myself did my ex fulfill these desires? Yes at first, but as the truth about him became clearer, I was physically repulsed by him. His response to my inquiries about what he was up to was typically met by gaslighting, and if I had found out too much, verbal and physical violence.
So, Madison, why didn’t you leave him years ago and not have two of his children!? Come to think of it, it doesn’t all have to do with JWs and their teachings on marriage. I could have easily ratted him out but chose not to. (I should have). A misguided sense of loyalty? Sure. Loneliness within my marriage and a desire to please him, thinking I was the problem? Most definitely. My ex, being the elder’s son, got away with murder though! A lot of the activities he encouraged me to partake in were definitely not allowed in the JW religion. Some of which I did and still do not like, and it was only recently that I realized I had the power to refuse.
As you can guess, up until our breakup he was the only man I had ever been with. (It sounds so sad when I say that part out loud). I’ve been quite attracted to a few along the way though. There was this older man (in his 30s) whom I had worked with last year who was getting a bit flirty. At first, I flashed the most innocent of smiles, but soon I was starting to feel something too. I was beginning to understand that men could be interested in me, and I wasn’t the person my ex made me out to be. Things progressed until the point where he placed his hand upon mine and looked me deep into my eyes. My heart was racing but I was more scared than I was excited. He seemed to pick up on this and it ended there. The card was placed out there, but I folded. Still being a JW, I wasn’t long for that job as I sought a way out of there.
By the time I had moved out of my parent’s home, I hadn’t had any real intimacy for months. It was perhaps in recognition of this fact that my ex made another play for me. Without going into too many details, it almost worked. I was about to be lured back into his orbit, that’s how starved for it I was. Thankfully it ended when I told him to leave, which he eventually did, but not without making a scene in front of the girls.
I was emotionally exhausted. It was then I realized I needed to make a clean break from him and leave him in no doubt. This didn’t make me eager to explore other opportunities though. I retreated within myself and started focusing on being a mother.
Let me tell you about single motherhood. Everything you’ve heard about it is not only true but multiply it. You are the default caretaker, and the other party comes and goes as they please. In recent weeks, this has become more of a problem as the excuses pile up. An out-of-town job site he’s working on that he needs to stay at, an illness, either with him or a family member, alien abduction, the list goes on. When letting someone else into my life, it is necessary to include my two girls as they are inseparable. Some guys feign interest, but you can tell that children are furthest from their mind. I had one interested guy really go all out with my girls and they adored him – for the night. As it got late and I was dropping subtle hints he needed to get going because it was bedtime, he clumsily offered to spend the night. One – that’s forward and creepy and Two – he’s there for me and if not – unhealthy/inappropriate at such an early stage.
I started ghosting him until he started showing up all concerned about why I wasn’t texting back. I try to steer clear from confrontations like this as I don’t like to make anyone feel they are being rejected, but some definitely need that boundary set. I told him straight up his request for stay over (after only knowing him for roughly a month was a red flag and inappropriate. He tried to convince me how I misread him, but that only made me more impatient.
This brings us to the guy from last week. (editor’s note, I wrote the bulk of this nearly a month ago, got distracted, and have only returned to it yesterday). One of my friends from work has a brother who told her he’s interested in me. We met at a cook-out at her place and he was out-going. I am naturally shy so I did not give off any signals I shouldn’t have other than giving out my number.
There seems to be a rule about when to call/text after a number is exchanged and I don’t know what it is. What I do know is that when I get a text the very next morning, the message is clear. Not that it bothered me too much as I did meet him face to face. Still, this guy wanted to move fast. This was three weeks ago, and I put the necessary brakes on it to see how he reacted. He seemed to have taken the hint and slowed it down somewhat. We met at a Japanese restaurant which he seemed to have been tipped off about. He didn’t talk too much about himself or too much about me. He spoke in the abstract which I like.
There’s always this awkward point in the date when the meal is over, and you head to your cars. As a young woman, I want a balance if I am somewhat interested. Don’t get carried away but if it is a quick “see ya” and off to the car, I’m probably quickly forgetting this experience. He wasted no time.
My heart was racing, and I definitely got too mixed up in the moment. Despite a gentle nudge to take this further, I declined. I hoped he had gotten the right message of “I like you but let’s not get carried away”. His sister was watching the girls and she’d be the first to know if something happened by my extended absence. All I need is gossip.
I must confess that it felt so invigorating to start getting the smell of my ex off of me after all these months, not that I was too sure about this guy. With two young girls I am now taking care of now nearly 95% of the time, my options are limited. So I get home, get the girls ready and bring my phone with me to bed. I had a satisfying feeling that I was getting back into the game on my terms.
True to form, my date sent me a quick text telling me he enjoyed the night. My girly side came out and I responded with emojis. Talk of the next date commenced the following afternoon. Being a working single mom presents its own availability challenges since care of the girls needs to come first and foremost. Fortunately, that Saturday their father actually had someplace he wanted to take them. So… date night. I knew what this meant. It had been gnawing at me and I didn’t quite know where I was at emotionally. My first test of being a bachelorette. What was going to happen? If was with these feelings, I put on my makeup and did my hair up in a way I am not used to doing. Don’t know why I changed it up, probably being too dramatic.
OK, this is where I quit with the minute details and keep it somewhat classy. At least I’ll try. What started off as an intense make-out session came to an abrupt end with a botched feel-up job. My bra was half off me and in an uncomfortable place, so I had to put my hands on his and step back to adjust. Not a deal killer in of itself but he kept at it with a lustful passion that I was clearly uncomfortable with. My excitement turned to dismay that I might just be letting a guy in who only wanted sex.
There is always a concern when a woman has to slam the brakes on an encounter. This is the thin line where the disappointment can actually turn into assault. Not that I got those vibes from him, but after sitting and calming down, he quickly found a reason to leave.
As my dad would have said when he took us on the fishing trips he loved, “Throw it back. Not a keeper”. He was more interested in sex than he was in me. This was confirmed in another text I received a few days ago. He was a bit arrogant and stated that he needed to “move on” if I wasn’t in a hurry for a third date. OK Romeo. Sorry our two-date fling didn’t move at the speed you wanted it to. You might want to up your game a bit for the next one.
A woman’s heart is a delicate item. We’re cast differently than men and tend to seek out different things. The further I get into this divorce process the people who know me best and think they are looking out for me often bring up the matter of my future and who it will be shared with. Considering how I made choices before and whom I trusted with my life, it goes without saying that I will be really careful this time around. Red flags are picked up upon with a lot more ease this time and as mentioned, I found one and refused to carry on with the date.
And as chance would have it, I just got a text from the man in question as I was just typing that. I’m not at the ghosting point yet, but my responses are brief. Lucky me – is he giving me a second chance after saying he needed to “move on”?
I want to say that I am not ready for a relationship, but that isn’t the full truth. I’m always ready for the right person to come into my life. After the dumpster fire known as my marriage, there are a lot of hang-ups and bad feelings. I was abused emotionally, verbally and physically. This isn’t going to be a seamless transition. Still there are my personal needs for love, affection, intimacy and commitment that have still yet to be realized. I also don’t think I am done having children either.
It’s all up in the air right now. Maybe I’ll have more stories of this nature to tell, but as advertized, there wasn’t a whole lot to tell anyhow. Thanks for reading this far.
Madison.
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